Danas-Double-Take

The fireflies were out tonight. They reminded me of a rafting trip I went on when I was in middle school. That was the first time I had been to Tennessee. I remember being astonished that the sun didn’t set until nine, and that a subtle coolness moved in with the evening air. And the fireflies were pretty great too. They floated a couple feet above the ground, clumsily bobbing up and down, here and there; disappearing after every flash of light. Now, just like then, they capture my wandering attention.

Nostalgia runs pretty thick this time of dusk. I can’t seem hold myself in this moment for long. I keep thinking about what’s next. I don’t want to go home. Mostly because I can’t figure out where home is. I feel again the aching of uncertainty. All at once I’m fifteen again. Moving cities; Missing friends; Lost in the middle of everything changing. I remember exactly what it felt like then.

I remember the pain of moving as a teenager, lost in my own little world. One day after moving to Tampa, my mom gave me a CD and a card. The CD was Shane and Shane ‘Upstairs’. I still love the Shanes, even though I lost the CD a while back. I remember feeling understood and comforted. A spark of hope. A small encouragement. It means a lot to be understood.

I know I can’t hold on to the past. I can barely get a grip on now. And yet, every time I think about what the future holds, I am torn between chasing every possibility, leaping towards the adventure I want for myself, and wanting to curl up in bed and hide from whatever ‘next step’ I need to take.

Tonight I was trying to understand myself. Why can’t I just pick something to want and chase it? Where ever I go, I know I’m going to feel homesick. For people, for places, for just the warm-blanket feeling of Home.

Tonight as the sun went down behind the big tree in the yard, the birds stopped chirping for a moment and let the crickets take full stage. ‘Maybe this feels like home.’ I thought.

After thinking all of this through, I stood up and walked back inside. Connie was standing in the kitchen. She had brought me a something from her work. At WorldVision, they have artists support their ministry by encouraging their fans to sponsor children. And Shane and Shane happen to be one of their best supporters.

‘I thought you might like this CD,’ She said.

It was Shane and Shane ‘Upstairs’. When I saw it, my eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t believe it was the same CD. I remembered the compassion that my mom had shown me as a teenager, and the peace I had felt knowing that in my confusion, God would be glorified. Connie's act of kindness reminded me of that. And in this season, I have that same confidence.